The First, Second and Forty-Eighth Wedding Plan
by eloquentfever
Summary: Semi-sequel to The First, Second and Forty-Eight Diet. Kurt and Sebastian's relationship is growing—and they are getting married. 47 times that Kurt and Sebastian abuse the idea of marriage and the day they get married. Kurtbastian. All dialogue. Caution: DRY, OFFENSIVE HUMOUR - includes stereotypes and can be crude and offensive depending on who you are.
1. Proposal Propositions

_if this goes the way i want it to, there are two more parts of the series...which i won't say much about!_

* * *

Chapter 1

Proposal Propositions

* * *

"Hummel, I have to talk to you about something."

"I do too—in fact, forget about whatever the hell you were going to tell me and explain to me why you decided to set my underwear on fire."

"You never wear any, so I just decided to put it to good use."

"How is setting my underwear on fire 'putting it to good use'?"

"By entertaining me and like half of Lima for half an hour. I went from the underwear that you haven't really worn at all to the undies that you wore like when I forced you to. I even remember the one that you were supposed to be wearing for when you got to that boat ride and like—the rift thing happened and you mooned everyone. Best date ever."

"Next time, I will just decide to spontaneously burn you in front of half of Lima. How is that?"

"Oi, I'm hot. I don't think there is a possibility I can get hotter than I am now. Thus, your plan will fail."

"Wait, why am I threatening you with combustion? When I could just decide to somehow sent pictures of you in Rachel Berry's wedding dress to every person I know?"

"You wouldn't."

"I _so_ would."

"Fuck, Hummel, and just to think about what I was going to tell you."

"I don't want to hear about it, unless it you just did a few operations that involved them confirming the fact that you do have a heart, and that your lungs aren't completely and utterly destroyed from all the smoke you've been putting in them."

"Can't help it. I look in the mirror and I'm smoking hot. Burns me on the inside."

"I cannot deal with the amount of heat and combustion related topics in this conversation."

"I'm serious—I _have_ to talk to you. About like…important things."

"No football or hockey or soccer or anything match is important for the last bloody time."

"No, this is like…seriously important. Like…the-world-is-going-to-end-tonight-if-I-don't-say-this important."

"Last time you said that, you confessed to your love of Brad Pitt and how you couldn't hold it in anymore."

"In my defence, like, I'm not a Brad Pitt guy…except I totally am. Fuck. He's so hot and beautiful and I'm…well, hotter and more beautiful. Thus, I cannot stoop down to his level—oh wait. I'm with _you_. What the hell am I talking about?"

"What's wrong with _me_? Am I not better than Brad Pitt?"

"Of course you're not better than Brad Pitt. He's all hot and tight and sexy, and you're…well, you're a ferret."

"…I suggest that you tell me whatever it was that you wanted to tell me before I genuinely do start to plan out how I'm going to combust you and in what gas I'm going to do it in."

"Um, okay…"

"Are you sweating?"

"No."

"You're nervous."

"Fuck off."

"What is it?"

"…what's like the best proposal thing for you? And what is your ring size? It is totally unrelated to me thinking about getting married to you. Nope. Nothing."

"I'm _not_ getting married to you."

"Hummel, I'm not going to propose. I'm just curious."

"Your bodily functions tell me that you are thinking of proposing. The answer is no."

"So…?"

"No, you didn't just discuss this right now, Sebastian! You did not pop the question in my kitchen for fuck's sake! If you did, I would've combusted you for tactlessness."

"So…I know the kitchen is out…so…"

"No. I do not want to get married. Not to you. Not to anyone. Not ever. I am twenty-two years old, Sebastian. I am not ready for that kind of commitment."

"Well, I'm not ready to see your face but I still do every day, Hummel."

"You know if you get married to me you do have to see my face every day, right? This proposal idea of yours is a terrible idea."

"…"

"Sebastian? Are you actually upset about this?"

"No."

"You _are_ upset."

"No."

"Then why won't you look at me?"

"Because I burned off your underwear and you can't wear any right now. I feel sorry for the cashier that has to watch you pick up your canned soup crap when you drop it."

"You are such a child… but let's say, and this is all hypothetical. I'd want a proposal that can triumph all of the romance novels that you can think of and my ring size is 8 and a ½. That ½ is _crucial_. I want a ring so expensive you'll doubt the thought of marrying you when you do get it. So, you will not propose because you are going to doubt the thought of getting married to me. The end."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	2. Nude Beach Plans

_if this goes the way i want it to, there are two more parts of the series...which i won't say much about!_

* * *

Chapter 2

Nude Beach Plans

* * *

"You know what, Hummel? I was thinking last night—"

"—it's amazing to see you use the head that's on top of your shoulders for thinking—"

"—and you know what? I'm offended about yesterday. Why don't you want a proposal? Aren't you happy living with me?"

"Yes, you can tell. It's not like I started to finalise my will a bit after I met you or anything of the like."

"_Not_ funny, Hummel."

"This relationship wasn't funny from the start and it isn't funny now. Why do you want to prolong my misery with you? I was thinking of maybe breaking up over summer holiday, so I can be relieved of this pain that you know as a relationship."

"Ha. That's totally why I found your planner and saw that you are actually thinking of taking us something exotic. Like the new local restaurant they just opened up that I have been complaining about you to take me for months."

"When people think exotic, Sebastian, they think Hawaii."

"Fuck no. Hawaii is crap, Hummel. Trust me, I've seen everything. You know where we need to go? We need to go to a nude beach."

"For the last time, Sebastian, I am not going to go to any beach stark naked."

"We can get married in the nude beach, Hummel."

"Do that, and I'll cut off your cock on our wedding night."

"Vulgar language, Hummel. Don't say that kind of stuff to my poor cock. You might have hurt its feelings."

"No, I did not. I did not hurt its feeling, because you know why? I have ridden that damn thing so many times that it has no right to complain anymore."

"…"

"Sebastian, if you are thinking of gaudy, horrible images of sex, then stop thinking before I extract your blood vessel supply so you wouldn't even know how it's like to be turned on anymore."

"Okay. If you don't want me to propose, Hummel, then propose to me."

"If it was up to me, I wouldn't propose at all. Then again, if you were the technical 'bride', you'd be wearing white and thus, look a tad fatter than you actually are. Yes. I agree. If we were ever to get married, which we aren't on any circumstances, then I would be the one to propose."

"Really, Hummel? People look fat in white?"

"Yes, Sebastian. People look fatter in white."

"I disagree, Hummel. Blaine wore white three days ago. I still couldn't tell if he existed or not. Also, a skeleton is white and skeletons are not fat."

"Sebastian, how are you even in college?"

"I'm not in college. Law school, Hummel."

"I would genuinely be surprised if you maintained a job in Starbucks for longer than three days, so knowing that you're in law school honestly surprises and perplexes me."

"Stop changing the subject, Hummel. Let's get married on a nude beach."

"Sebastian, I am just about barely accepting the fact that you want us to get married. The thought of getting married on a nude beach makes my brain cells hurt so much. You might not know this, as you lack a few brain cells ever since the accident that left you wondering what a waffle was."

"Wiffle-waffle."

"Sebastian, you are a true example of how humans have evolved into the dominant species."

"Hummel, you are a true example of a fucking git that won't marry me. Here I am, willing to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Honey, this isn't much of a life we're living."

"Hummel, you flatter me…and look, it's only three in the morning."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	3. Just Peachy

Chapter 3

Just Peachy

* * *

"Sebastian, come on. Please…talk to me?"

"…"

"I didn't mean for the proposal to turn out the way that it did. I am so, so sorry."

"…"

"I don't understand. It was panning out so well. I had made you believe that I wasn't interested in a marriage when I was really just planning our wedding. No, it is not on a nude beach. No, it is not going to be in the kitchen. I was just so mesmerized by the idea of wedding planning that I forgot to ask you some things that I should have…"

"…"

"I really don't know how it happened at all. I really did try my best. You told me that I can propose – part of my plan, actually. I wanted to drive you insane to the point where you would register your right to propose over to me without really knowing that I genuinely did want us to get married."

"…"

"Sebastian?"

"_Shhh_. An asshole is talking."

"Ha, ha—very funny."

_"This isn't funny!"_

"I don't know why it would be an issue. Really. I had planned everything out so well though you have to admit it. I invited your extended family over, and my family over. I picked this amazing looking garden patch that is absolutely blooming with flowers and we served…er—peach tarts and sparkling lemonade. You have to admit. It sounds nice all said like that, right? You even got to hit on Blaine once or twice. It was the optimal proposal for you. I even let your cat come."

"No. It was not the optimal proposal."

"Sebastian, stop being three years old."

"Why do you want me dead, Hummel? I thought we had a good life—except for the times you threatened to cut off my cock."

"Sebastian, I don't want you dead. You're hardly hurt."

"I'm hurt on the inside. Hurt that you'd commit such a foul crime."

"Oh here we go again…"

"You made me each _peach_ tarts. You know I'm allergic to anything healthy and good for me!"

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again. Don't worry. Next fruit you'd be licking would be my Adam's apple. I promise."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	4. Premature Practice

Chapter 4

Premature Practice

* * *

"Let me get this, Hummel – you want me to make dinner?"

"Yes, Sebastian, you are correct. I would like for your skinny, pale arse to enter the kitchen and make us some form of dinner. Anymore questions?"

"Yeah – why the hell am I the one making dinner?"

"It's very simple. This is mere practice for when we do get married. Perhaps, one of these days, I will return back from college or work or any other time in the distant or near future and my poor, exhausted body will not be able to make its way towards the kitchen—thus, it is your job to make dinner."

"…"

"So, no questions. Great. Get started."

"Hummel, you do know that I'm the reason that Blaine can't put any weight at all, right?"

"That's even more so brilliant. A little pre-wedding weight loss may lighten up my spirits."

"There's also the time that I tried to make cereal and we had to call the fire department?"

"A minor bump in the road."

"What about that time I put full-fat mayo on your sandwich?"

"That time that you—wait, wait, wait, _WHAT_? _No wonder I'm so bloody fat!_ You keep on feeding me FULL-FAT MAYONNAISE? _How dare you_!"

"Come on, Hummel – you just had to know that I was—"

"No! I didn't! Are you trying to fatten me up, Smythe? So I won't leave you and sleep with other men?"

"…"

"What's so funny?"

"Really, Hummel? Who are you going to leave me for, seriously?"

"I'd rather fuck a turtle than have the most sensual sex with you."

"Oh, Hummel, ouch. Don't fuck that turtle. It might get hurt."

"It's nice to know your priorities."

"Hummel—"

"Go make us dinner, Sebastian! _I might just forget about this sham of a marriage_!"

"Hummel."

"Yes, Sebastian?"

"We aren't married yet."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


End file.
